On Turning 51

This is the post I thought I would be composing last year around this time. After all, we find a certain magic in the round numbers, don’t we? But… life was a mess a year ago, and blogging wasn’t on the agenda. My 50th year was one of transition and change, all for the best, and so now I can wrap my head around some deep thoughts from Jen.

As a young person, I discovered that having certain guiding principles was a good way to find strength and direction when things got difficult. I learned over time that no framework was going to work every time, and while we might be tempted to change our world view after a failure, we might be better off to simply accept that even the most perfect approach won’t always mean success.

I have also learned that people often believe they are one thing when they are actually quite different, and that people think they have insight into their behaviors and motivations, and really don’t. So with that in mind, I am sharing these ideas in this entry, knowing that I may indeed have completely fooled myself about quite a bit of it. I’ll be curious to hear if anyone who reads this is surprised by any of it. That’s where the fun begins!

I wish...

My very first guiding principle, or what we were calling mission statements at the time, came from my Dad. He was nearing the end of his life, and doing that life assessment thing. He shared his thoughts with me, letting me know he really had few regrets. His exact words were “I wish I had more money to leave you kids, but honestly, in the end, I wouldn’t do anything different.”

This became my first life goal. As the potential recipient of that “more money,” I knew with everything I had that money was totally irrelevant in that moment. I couldn’t have possibly cared less whether he left me a penny, but I was very pleased to hear he had no regrets. That was where I wanted to be at the end of my life… “I wish I had more money, but I wouldn’t do anything different.” I don’t believe I am anywhere near the time to worry about such things, but so far, I think I’m on track with this one.

Say yes…

I grew up surrounded by literature about learning to say no. In fact, even now, many people patiently explain to me, as though it’s a concept I had never considered, that I could say “no” to all sorts of things. Bless their hearts.

I decided a long time ago to just say yes. Whenever possible. Just say yes.

And what beautiful and amazing experiences I’ve had as a result! I have witnessed and shared the most amazing human experiences and met the most incredible people. I’ve traveled, I’ve loved, I’ve shared my gifts, I’ve written, I’ve experienced, I’ve been elated, I’ve been hurt, I’ve been adored. And I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Experience it all

I was in graduate school when I found my girlfriend crying in the ladies’ room. Reaching to comfort her, I learned that a good friend had died, and, though her death was expected, it was, of course, very painful. As I murmured my numerous, “I’m so sorries,” she said, through her significant sobs, “I want to experience everything life has to offer -- all of it, the good and the bad. But this, this is awful.”

In that moment I realized that I too wanted to experience everything. Of course the crying times are hard, but in the end, all we have are our experiences. Gathering things wasn’t going to do it for me, but experiences, that’s where life is lived.

How can I help?

About this same time, I learned the beauty of living in service. Like most things, the dawning was an evolution of many experiences and phrases, but I distinctly remember reading an article in Oprah’s magazine about service and what it does for people. I don’t remember the exact phrase, but something about how people who live in service are a gabillion times happier than those who don’t, and how they live with fewer regrets. I was already a social worker when I found that article, and the concept resonated for me in a very real way.

Much more recently a friend told me she was making a resolution to ask “How can I help?” more often, and I realized this was exactly the phrase I needed. I had gotten all wound up in my own stress at the time, and it was a beautiful reminder. Now, I try to make sure I ask that question at least once a day.

Why we’re here

Some time in the last year or two, the most defining phrase so far came to me. I was in a group setting, describing an experience I had, and I said out loud for the first time, “We are just here to love and support one another.”

I really can’t believe this more fervently than I do right now. Of course my success at this varies. Of course my brain does what everyone else’s brain does. I get judgy, I get stabby, I feel put-upon, and I feel angry. But I try not to make my decisions in that space.

I have had some major challenges this past year, caused entirely by the behavior of others. And in those moments, when I can, I ask myself, “What is the loving and supportive thing to do here?” 

So far, at every turn, that question has led me to the best course of action. Sometimes I’m even taking the action when I don’t feel loving or supportive at all. But in the end, all is well, and I’ve lived what I believe. And in the end, I think, that’s the greatest challenge -- living every day according to the principles and values we hold. 

So there you have it. Guiding principles by Jen. As I’m sure you’ve already guessed, I’ll keep you posted on how it all turns out.